Brent Davis (bdavis@bamanet.ua.edu), Center for Public Television, P.O. Box 870150, University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487.
If you're married, it's time you helped your wife with the house. If Hillary can handle healthcare for Bill, you can run the vac for your wife. It's the nineties, after all. You're not Oscar from the Odd Couple.
What to do: Many couples sit down each week and thoughtfully devise a list that equally assigns cleaning activities. I prefer instead a preemptive strike. Before my wife has a chance to ask me to do something, I make sure she sees me cleaning a bathroom sink. I now have ownership of the housecleaning issue. She'll have to do another chore herself before she can ask me to do something.
Cleaning Basics: Your goal is not to clean the house. It's your job to make your wife think you're going to a lot of trouble. Proper preparation is vital: to clean that sink your wife should see you making separate trips into the bathroom to get sponge, cleanser, and rubber gloves. Then you should change into your shabbiest clothes, signalling to her that you expect this to be a challenging job. Dress like a ditchdigger. Perhaps she'll think that since you are prepared for a big job, you plan to do one.
What not to do: Anything associated with dishwashers. When you eat a bag of chips, do you think about the people that cooked them? Of course not. And when you open the dishwasher and find it empty, does it ever occur to you that someone had to take all those dishes and glasses and plates out of there? No. And neither will your wife. You're not going to get any points for returning the dishwasher to what everyone incorrectly assumes is its natural state.
Vaccuuming: It Needn't Suck: Listen to your wife. She isn't wanting a clean house when she asks you to help with the housework. She's simply yearning for you to take part in the cleaning ritual. Participation should be your goal. Here's a handy tip. She asks you to run the sweeper while she goes to the store. All you have to do is drag the sweeper across the carpet at few time so the wheels will leave their unmistakable double track. Your wife will see it and thank you for pitching in. "It's nothing," you can graciously--and honestly--answer.
Keeping Bathrooms Clean: After you get it looking decent (and there's no shortcut there), use it less. Take care of your personal hygeine at the office. Grow a beard so you don't foul the sink each morning with whiskers and shaving cream. Is there a service station near by? Use that rest room if there's no putting it off. It's this simple: Clean your bathroom. Lock the door. If you have to go, just say no.
Counter Intelligence: It's only fair that you should help clear the kitchen counter after a meal. This phrase should become your credo: Never take the last bite of a leftover. For instance, say you've finished off the cranberry sauce. Now you must rinse out the bowl and put it in the dishwasher (remember-- avoid thankless dishwasher duties). Better yet: eat all but a half a teaspoon of cranberry sauce. Now you may legitimately pull the plastic wrap back over the bowl and return it to the refrigerator.
Watt's My Line: Do you have a stepladder handy for changing light bulbs? Get rid of it! It will seem as if you are investing more in this little housekeeping chore if you create risk. Try balancing on the back of chair while changing the bulb over the dining room table. Climb atop an uppended trash can on the coffee table to fiddle with the swag lamp. Devise precarious positions and put yourself into them. You'll get the best hazardous duty pay possible--your wife will think twice before asking you to do anything else.
Spin Cycle Doctor: Here's the final weapon in your housecleaning arsenal: if you just can't muster any enthusiam for work, feign interest in the laundry. "Please, allow me," you say, grabbing the delicate knits from her. "Hot water, dry for a couple of hours, right?" Or walk into the utility room with a load of bright clothes in one hand and the uncapped bleach bottle in the other. "I am one mean, cleaning machine!" you announce cheerfully.
You will soon find yourself on the sofa, cleaning nothing but a plate of your favorite snack.
But remember--leave a half teaspoon.