Brent Davis (bdavis@sa.ua.edu), Center for Public Television & Radio, P.O. Box 870150, University of Alabama, Tuscaloosa, AL 35487.

The Incompleat Promoter

Unpublished writers may fantasize about how they might promote their book. It keeps them going through drudgery of writing. One might imagine being interviewed on a morning talk show ("I'm so glad the book helped you loose ten pounds, Katie--though it is a work of fiction and not a diet book.") Some struggling writers sustain themselves by contemplating inscriptions ("To Betty, my Ex, I'll never forget you now that I'm famous. How could I forget the way you spurned me?"; "To Eddie, My Plumber, who must have worked nearly a quarter of an hour to afford this 23 dollar hardback book, not that I'm bitter or anything about that $75 bill for unstopping my shower...")

However, I found that when I began parking myself at bookstore card tables behind a cache of my first novel (The Spelling Bee, Black Belt Press) and stumbling into television studios bleary-eyed for the early morning local talk show there was little practical information about successfully navigating the rocky shoals of promoting a book. Here, then, is what I've learned:

1. Know Thyself

I was encouraged at an especially slow signing when a woman approached the table where I had been standing by myself for a half hour. I reached for my pen and uncapped it. "Excuse me," she asked. "Where are your 'Gone With the Wind' calendars?"

Now I consider any signing where I am not mistaken for a clerk to be a rousing success.

2. Research the Market

At the same signing I had ample time to browse the store and investigate market trends. The heck with fiction. Next time out, I'm writing a book that sells. The protagonist will be a gardening cat who served in the Civil War, has a lot of computer advice to offer, and has had a New Age religious experience.

I'll compile the cat's cookbook.

3. Go With The Flow

Rose at four to travel and appear on a morning talk show to promote the book. I was on after the health report--two minutes on shingles. To facilitate the segue and keep the medical audience watching, I featured in my first answer about the novel a minor character with a spastic colon.

4. Let's Synchronize Our Watches

Rose at four another morning for an out-of-state TV appearance three hours away. I was looking at my watch and congratulating myself on what good time I was making when I realized I had just gone from the Central Time Zone into the Eastern Time Zone. Instead of being a half-hour early I was a half-hour late.

I arrived at the station at 8:32, two minutes after the conclusion of the show. The producer was a remarkably good sport about it considering that only one of five scheduled guests had shown up. So "Good Morning, Columbus!" devoted an entire half-hour to "National Worm Your Dog Week," exploring with a local vet the many intricacies of that topic.

5. Do You Know Where You're Going To?

I knew the TV station in Columbus, Ga., was downtown, so I spotted the tower and kept it in front of my hood ornament as I navigated my way through the city streets. I parked the car and strolled into the lobby with plenty of time to spare before the noon talk show. "I'm here to be interviewed by Linda," I announced to the receptionist.

"Linda?" she said. "Oh, you want WRBL. That's the OTHER station downtown. Go two blocks down the street, then take a right. You can't miss it."

6. Go West, Young Man

Spent nearly a half hour before sunrise circling Red Mountain in Birmingham, looking for the road that would allow me access to the TV station on its summit. I could see the tower--its red lights were blinking just outside of my car--but I couldn't figure out how to get to it. Owing to the darkness and the early hour I didn't have a clue about how to reach my destination.

After reading about my experiences with morning talk shows one might conclude I just don't have a clue, period.

7. Competition for the Entertainment Dollar is Fierce

Sold less than ten books at a holiday mall signing in Birmingham. Well, okay, considerably less than ten books. And half of those were purchased by my mother-in-law, who thinks I'm a celebrity because I was interviewed on "Good Morning, Alabama!" Which, by the way, she slept through.

To populate the mall, the management scheduled appearances by youth dance troupes, choirs, puppeteers, and mimes. The complete cast of "The Nutcracker Suite" was milling about in costume. There was no one at my signing table. The competition is winning, I thought, as I saw a crowd gather around some cloggers kicking to a country arrangement of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen."

I was set up beside a massive Stephen King display and briefly considered posing as him to boost sales of The Spelling Bee. But the real crowd pleaser was Santa Claus, who featured a genuine beard and a karaoke machine. Every now and then he'd shove the kids off his lap, start the music, and then he and the missuz (who likewise had a very authentic look) serenaded the mall with fanciful arrangements of Christmas carols. No one was interested in my signing. We were too busy singing--the cloggers, the ballerinas, the toy soldiers, the sugar plum fairy. The mimes had their arms around each other, harmonizing and doing hand motions. It was so exuberant I could even imagine my mother-in-law being roused from her nap in her rocker at home for "Deck the Halls." Stephen King was probably singing, wherever he was.

8. Beginners Should Use A Pencil

When someone's just shelled out 23 bucks for your book it's just plain unprofessional to misspell their name on the inscription. A "To Whom It May Concern" stamp may be the best choice for beginners.

9. Beware Negative Bookflow

A signing is a great promotional vehicle, thinks the novice writer. Wrong! The signing is merely a scam to sucker you into a bookstore to buy something. The management knows a writer can't resist buying a book when given the opportunity. So they invite you to sign in their store. They're not trying to sell your book. They're only counting on selling YOU a book. Now, do I really believe a store would go to all that trouble to sell a single volume? Look at last year's sales figures. It's a wonder they don't give away a toaster with every book sold. Barnes and Noble is considering giving away Green Stamps, I've heard.

10. A Little Something Extra For the Readers

A sheet of Green Stamps right before the frontispiece of the novel.